I sometimes encounter my past selves in the people around me or in people I observe as we cross paths and I’m grateful for the reminder. The ones that stand out are usually echoes of challenging times and I’m struck by the distance between then and now. It feels like yesterday and yet here I am in this good place now. Gratitude floods me. Compassion… or may be empathy? Perhaps simply Love flows out. To envelope her. And in doing so, my past self. In love. Cushioning, soothing, calming, healing. ‘You’re not alone and everything will be ok’ I want Love to whisper in her ear.
This wasn’t what I sat down to write but it wants to come out. A letter to my self. A letter to the echo. A letter to you if you sit in this particular space right now (but won’t always).
You won’t always feel like this. I promise you. You won’t always feel this empty and wounded and forgotten. The heaviness that stops your shoulders and your chin rising will lift. It will. I promise you, it will.
Those things that your heart longs for – love, security, a home, a hand in yours, an easy path, a light on – they will come. It won’t always feel such a struggle.
Don’t give up.
Nothing and nobody is against you. They’re not. If it seems like they are, they’re not really. That’s their stuff, not yours. It’s about them. Nothing is against what you long for in your heart.
Yes, other people have those things and you watch them and you wonder, why them and not me? You wonder if they appreciate it like you would. Whether they worked for it like you’re prepared to. Whether it’s run out. Whether they got your share. They didn’t. They did not. Yours is out there. It’s coming. It will come.
It might look different to how you were imagining. It might be a winding confusing sort of a road. You might trip over, you might feel lost, it could get dark, but just you hold on my love. Just you hold on. Keep your heart open, know that you are worth it, let go of anything and anybody who says you aren’t. And wait. Keep breathing and wait. And while you’re waiting, listen. Listen to what your heart knows. It knows it’s coming. It knows you will get there.
One day, one wonderfully normal day, you will look around and you will see it. Surrounding you. You found it. It found you. It came together, quietly. There was no one moment. No orchestra soaring. Just a heartbeat, probably. A normal one. A step. A turn towards the sun. Followed by another and then another. And here you are.
You walk along the street and you see somebody wearing your old shoes. They look how you looked and you feel what they feel. You wish you could help them to know. And you wrap them in love and hold them in your heart and wish and wish for them. And you hold yourself and your wholeness and whisper your thanks. When you’ve been where you’ve been you never stop the thank you.
It will come, my love, it will come.
Love, your Self x
I couldn’t find a picture I wanted to illustrate this post with and then I looked up and saw part of the morning landscape in our house and realised it illustrates all that I waited for. I spared you last nights pans which we somehow didn’t deal with. Ahem.