I stood in my kitchen on Friday morning and said to my husband, ‘I can’t do it today. I don’t want to leave the boys. I don’t have the energy. I just need to stay home. I know you’re going to say go anyway, but I can’t this time’.
Sometimes (often) it’s a huge wrench to pull away from my lovely family and my home to head off to Gloucestershire for the next (monthly) instalment of my Handwork course. It feels selfish and unnecessary.
But when I sat with that almost-decision for a moment I realised that I was going after all. The mood of the day was weighing me down but as I paused in that feeling of permission to opt out, I remembered that when I least feel like showing up is precisely when I need to show up.
I’m just travelling back from completing the first year of my course – the Waldorf Handwork Teacher Training. I’m glad I went this weekend. This weekend and ALL the other weekends when I didn’t think I could.
It’s always hard to leave my boys (my husband included). There are always things I could be doing at home or things that I’m missing. But in return for pulling away and showing up I’ve been rewarded with so much. Peace and stillness and a slower pace, yes. But as well, occupation and busy hands and a stretched and stimulated mind. New skills, new hobbies (obsessions?), friendship and community. Imagination and creativity opening up and filling the space. So lovely. So lucky to have it.
So I drew on my reserves and showed up on Friday. I love that I did. Weaving, learning, wondering, imagining, laughing, sharing, eating, intentioning and reflecting. Returning home feeling full up. Not selfish and totally necessary for all of us in some way or another.
And oh how I’ve loved the weaving. To think I almost missed the best part yet.